Monday, February 3, 2020

The Case of the Smelly Deposit

“Good day, Constable. How may I help you?”

“I’m afraid we’ve received a complaint, sir.”

“A complaint? Good Heavens! About me?”

“Perhaps, sir. We’ve received a complaint about the excessively strong smell of poop in the Cosy Apartment.”

“Not about me.”

“No sir. We believe it emanated from one of your cats. May I come in?”

“Certainly, Constable. Who made the complain, may I ask?”

“I should qualify, sir, that it was not a complaint as you may term it; we call all such reports to us complaints.”

“An observation, then?”

“Just so, sir. It came from your resident manager.”

“It didn’t emanate from him?”


“The resident manager, you say?”

“Yes sir. He was in your kitchen with the plumber, repairing the clog in your sink, when there arose a very strong odour.”

“Not from the sink?”

“No sir, from the store-room where the litter-boxes are kept. Someone had taken a crap, the smell of which was of epic proportions.”

“Put that way, I would have complained myself.”

“Very understanding of you, sir. The smell was so noxious that the manager was constrained to scoop the litter-box himself, just so the plumber would not be overcome and pass out.”

“Since a plumber may be used to noxious fumes, may I assume this to be hyperbole?”

“You may, sir. But the manager did have to scoop the litter-box for his and the plumber’s olfactory safety.”

“Thus arose not only the smell but the complaint.”

“Just so, sir. I should point out that the manager was not really offended. Indeed, he seemed to find the episode amusing.”

“Well, he is a cat-person himself, and very compassionate toward our feline friends.”

“Yes sir. The plumber’s opinion on the matter is, alas, unknown.”

“That’s probably just as well. If there is no complaint, as such, why are you here, Constable?”

“Well, sir, each complaint, even if they are mere observations, must be investigated. May I meet your cats, sir?”

“Of course. This is my oldest, Josefina von Chubs.”

“Alias ‘Josie’?”

“That’s one way of putting it. Josie, there’s been a complaint. Josie. JOSIE! There’s been complaint!”

“Please don’t yell. I’m hard of hearing, not deaf. What’s this about corn plants?

“Someone left a very smelly load of poop in the litter-box the other day!”

“Otter Day? Do you mean Ground-hog Day? You missed it, you know.”

“Did you leave—?”

“Julie? Julie? No, Josie! You’d think you’d know that by now.”

“Perhaps we could move on, sir?

“Er, yes, all right. This is Renfrew Foster. He generally goes by ‘Renn’.”

“Hi! That’s a neat uniform. Do you have a gun?”

“Well, yes…”

“And mace? Do you have mace? I’d like to have one of them, swinging that around, the big ball on a chain… Do you have one?”

“Uh, Renn, the constable is investigating a big, stinky poop in the litter-box.”

“Oh. Well, it can’t be mine. I mean, mine are big, sure, and they stink, but only for a bit, then they stop. I have very considerate poop.”

“That’s true, Constable. His poop is quite, er, considerate.”

“Considerate poop. Yes sir. Not that this is connected to our investigation, sir - not at all -  but have you thought about counselling, sir?”

“I have six cats in a cosy apartment, Constable. I’m beyond counselling.”

“As you say, sir. Who is this?”

“This is Tucker R Poly.”

“I haf no teef.”

“I see, sir.”

“I haf no mancat bits, eever.”

“Yes sir.”

“I haf die-a-beeteez.”

“Right, sir. About—”

“I haf kitnee failure…”

“Yes sir. I understand you have royalty staying with you, sir.”

“Nobility, yes. Princess Camarouska Albigensia.”

“I’ll attend to her in her chamber, if that’s acceptable, sir.”

“Very proper of you, Constable. Thank you.”

“Your Serene Highness, we are investigating a matter of smelly poop.”

“And you think I can point out the culprit to you? I am sure I can. I am blind, but my sense of smell is superb.”

“Well, actually—”

“There are any number of them. There is the fat white one, and the big goofy one, and the baby with no teeth, and the two new ones…”

“We were thinking of—”

“I hope you won’t suggest that I am to blame, Constable. I have poop that practically floats on the breeze.”

“Well, in a manner of speaking, Cammie, that’s true…”

“You see? The other human agrees with me. My poop is of a nature as sweet as I am.”

“I can attest to that, Constable…”

“All right. We’ll, uh, leave you for now, Your Highness.”

“You have leave to depart.”

“And this peach-coloured one here?”

“That’s Raleigh. He’s very shy.”

“I’m very shy.”

“Raleigh, the constable is investigating stinky poop.”

“Oh. I don’t know about that. If I did, I’d be too shy to tell you. But when I go to the box, I make sure everything is covered. I cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, and then I scratch at the walls of the box. I scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch. Then I leave and sometimes turn around and cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover, cover some more. Sometimes I tell this human here that I am done. He tells me I’m a good boy.”

“You are a good boy, Raleigh.”

“I’m very shy.”

“And finally, this fellow.”

“This is Neville Nevsky. He’s new.”

“Oh, yes, ’The Thin Man’. I’ve read about him.”

“Well, he’s filled out quite a bit since he’s been here. His fur is now much longer and luxuriant. He looks a completely different cat than he did when he came.”

“Changing his appearance, is he, sir?”

“Well, I didn’t mean that.”

“Has a big appetite, does he, sir? A lot to get rid of?”

“I haven’t really gone into that with him…”

“Rushes out of the box afterward, trying to get away from what he produces?”

“I don’t think that’s the reason…”

“Thank you, sir. I believe I have all I came for.”

“Er, does this mean…?”

“We’ll be in touch, sir. Until then…”


“Do you recall the four bars of the famous Dragnet theme, sir?”


“I think you can hum them now, sir.”


  1. ROFLOL!
    “I have six cats in a cosy apartment, Constable. I’m beyond counselling.”
    *tears running down my face*

  2. Oh, lord, John, thanks so much for this. I have to go to the dentist on Wednesday, and I really needed something to make me laugh.

    Poor old Neville, he knows he's been rumbled.

    1. The best of luck at the dentist. I get the feeling that you will be going for more than just an examination or a cleaning. In any case, I hope your visit is brief, and painless.

    2. Two broken teeth, one of which may be infected. So I welcome being able to distract myself with tales of nuclear cat droppings.

    3. Wow, that sounds just one step down from root-canal. However, I am pleased to be able to say that dentistry is one of the medical fields in which I have noted tangible advancement, so I have hopes that your time in that field will be merciful.

  3. Ditto the Eastside Cats. Raleigh's cover, cover, cover, scratch, scratch, scratch made me laugh--Nicki used to do that, and kick out a lot of litter in the process, no matter the size of the box.

    Well! I'm quite sure a plumber would be smelling far more noxious things in the course of his daily work...but then again, I'm either blessed or cursed to have lost my sense of smell! :-P

  4. Thank you for a much needed chuckle. :)

  5. Well now, for what it's worth, our neighbors complain too from time to time but we just blame it on the Dad!

  6. poo post ever posted in de his tree oh poo postz !!! a standin ovationz frum all oh uz in de land oh trout....for what itz werth, we smell nothin ;) ♥♥☺☺

  7. Your post was LOL funny. Thanks, John - I really needed the laugh!!

  8. OH NEVILLE!!!! NO! NO!! And look at you...all askance! Your two arms out like that and your FACE!
    This was THE funniest blog I have ever red. Made my evening! I'll likely re-read several times in the next few days. All of the residents there including Her Majesty are, as they say around here...just like themselves!

    Peach, when I saw that you declared yourself very shy, I about fell off my chair. And how good and generous of you to answer so succinctly and thoroughly considering your shyness. That was the tiniest point in print I have ever seen. Starting to laugh again. Not at you though Raleigh. Never!!!

  9. Oh my, that was hilarious. I particularly laughed at Raleigh's response. Cammie was absolutely perfect in her one's going to mess with that girl.

    Poor Neville - I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. LOL

  10. Classic! Absolute classic...! :).
    Hope it's o.k. John..but l'm gonna
    send this link off to my daughter,
    and one or two others..and put it
    into my pussy~cat folder..cos l'm
    gonna want to read this again..AND
    again..Bless! :).

    AND..Neville your a hero..taking it
    ALL lying down..Bless!x

    1. It's all right with me if you send a link to your daughter, Willie, and thank you.

  11. What a great way to start my morning, and I thank you! Hugs, RO

  12. Mystery deposit, and a mystery cat! Just hold your nose
    and continue on with life! I enjoyed all the cats giving their
    version for the day.

  13. I'm late to this party! This post was hilarious! Each cat answered to his own personality. Totally loved this. Thank you, John, for this humorous post.

  14. Great post that tells the truth behind that most secretive litter pan and those who use them. LOL. I think we have some of the same cats here in fact especially cover, cover, cover, cover but our fellow is not so shy. Keep up the good work all

  15. I have been away for a few days, but I am very glad I came back to read the posts I missed! This is so funny!
    Poor Nev looks like he has to take the blame.